The last day we had with her..

 

This morning, brought Yan to toilet pee as usual after her pee she dashed to the kitchen wanting to poo. It came out in a very scary way, =( everything just burst out.. Lots of blood everywhere. My heart broke into pieces, it's definitely not a very positive sign.

Quickly hurry her to the vet.. She was really restless and quiet.. =( 

We informed Dr Heng that her tongue and gum are extremely pale but was not taken seriously as they did not do anything to help it. I asked if she's losing too much blood but nothing was done.

Was told to bring her for ultrasound so we went home and wait for our appointment before heading down.

She's really restless... =(

I don't dare to think of the ultrasound result, i kept praying she'll be fine.

Back home, vet advised us to put her to sleep but it's not possible for me. But seeing her like this breaks my heart and upset me so much but still i won't do it. I hope she will forgive me for my selfishness but i don't bear to let her go. 

We went to buy baby diapers for her as she's still kept discharging blood from her butt.

She's not eating and drinking, i took a fries and wanted to feed her but she only smell it and put her head down again. When i tried to feed her water she just take a sip and rest her head on her bowl. She look so weak and discomfort, yes of course it's stupid to even doubt that, of course she's in discomfort and weak as she's been eating lesser and lesser as the day passed.

I'm fear that she's going to pass so i kept snapping pictures and video of her while i sit beside her all the time. Tears kept coming up seeing her in this state.

I brought her to the bathroom to wash up every 2hours as her butt is soak in her blood and i thought it will be very discomfort. The second time when i was washing her, she screamed, really loud and in a way we never heard before. I was in shock and really scared, fearing it's her last breathe. Hubby hurried and help me carry her out to the living room to put her down. She was breathing heavily and looking straight not at me no matter how loud i called her. 

After a couple of minutes she stopped the heavy breathing and start moving her head up and then drop her head down quickly, i was worried so i always put my hand beneath her head. She seems really really discomfort as she kept wanting to change her position and i can't help her to make her feel more comfort, all i can do is lying close to her and keep patting her and telling her "she'll be alright".

At around 12 midnight, she started to breathe in a very fast pace and then suddenly scream with her legs stretching out. I thought to myself, "Shit.." I thought she's going.. I know, i shouldn't kept thinking that way but seeing her behaving so abnormally and screaming like she's in deep pain. Seeing her like this really breaks my heart, i wish i can take all the pain away from her.. After she calms down, i told her quietly that it's alright if she wants to go. Seeing her like this is killing me but i can't bear to see her in so much pain and kept tolerating.. I tried to contact Dr Heng but i do not have her contact no so i tried contact her through FB pm but there's no respond so i tried contacting everyone else in the clinic like Dr Teo, Nicky etc. Most of them saw the pm but no one responded.. I was lost... I contacted Dr Quek and asked his help to contact Dr Heng for me, he responded pretty fast and told me he had pass the message for me but it's up to Dr Heng if she wants to call me. The answer is no, she didn't call me not even until the next day. I was really disappointed with them. I just need to speak with them for a minute why are they all avoiding. We've been to the clinic to and fro and they even said we are like a family as we go there almost like everyday and this is how they behave when it's after consulting hours. 

Anyway, after seeing Yan's condition is deteriorating so quickly we quickly grab the bag hubby packed earlier and dash to the hospital. When we were on the cab she's just staring straight and not responding to us at all.. When we got off the cab, we run as fast as we could to the hospital and i knock on the door like mad. Yes, you might be thinking why is the door closed if it's a hospital, ask them! I even have to press on the doorbell and bang at the door like mad and they can still intercom and ask me what happen. WTF could happen if you are in the hospital at this hour, of course it's emergency! After awhile a lady came and open the door, hubby hurried in with her while i fill in the stupid registration form. After i got in, i saw them pumping air into her mouth in order to help her breathe better. The doctor say she's not breathing on her own and her eyes have no more reflex already meaning she's more or less dead. I couldn't believe what i heard and kept shouting at her to come back but she's not looking at me anymore. I touched her and tested if her eyes really got no more reflex and it's true, she's not blinking when i put my hand near her eyes. =( 

Her heart is pulse is fainting, i can only hold her close and kept hugging her till her last breathe. It was 1.10am, 02 June 2013, my dearest baby YanYan left us and gone to the rainbow bridge. I sincerely hope she's free from pain and suffering. She'll be twelve next month and weigh about 4.4kg as per last taken few days back. For the past 11years plus, i never really thought of this day will come and definitely never knew it will be like this.. She's been a healthy baby throughout her days.. I kept telling myself, if she did not take the chinese medicine all this will never happen.. She'll probably still running around with her fat butt.. If only i can turn back time... I so so sorry about suffering you've gone through for the last 3 months, i will always love you. You'll always be in my heart, always..

Cremation is on 04 June 2013. Yes, even if they have passed they still have to wait for available slot for cremation. I can't believe she's gone.. How am i able to go back to a home without her at home waiting for me..  How am i going to cope with this.. 

I seriously feel that she left today is not that her liver have shut down completely but lost of blood. =(